Is there a doctor in the House?
“That’s a stupid question.”
As parliamentary answers go, it was refreshingly direct, albeit cannily evasive.
It was arguably a fair summation of the preceding interrogation, which could more generously be described as ‘provocative’: “Will the minister stand down if preventable deaths occur as a result of his reforms?”
The question was from Opposition Leader Steven Marshall; the respondent, of course, Health Minister Jack Snelling, who was in full flight in yesterday’s Question Time, as a good 20 minutes of diligent inquisition managed to distil one gold nugget of undeniable truth: that the Health Minister should under no circumstances prescribe medical advice.
He’s not qualified, apparently.
His nous is more in the realm of identifying the relative intellectual rigour of Liberal interrogation, though it fell to Speaker Mick Atkinson to point out that “I don’t think the minister has responsibility for the intelligence, or otherwise, of the Leader of the Opposition’s questions”.
(Atko, incidentally, was having something of a day out himself, happily chiming in within minutes of Question Time to call the leader, the deputy leader, the member for Unley, the member for Hartley, the member for Mount Gambier and the member for Heysen to order.)
Around this point the inquisition turned rather more medical than political.
“Given that the downgraded emergency departments will be diverting life-threatening emergencies, what range of conditions will be considered life threatening?”
The short answer: “Where someone is in danger of dying.”
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Marshall then shifted his focus from the broad (life-threatening emergencies) to the very specific.
“I presume that a stroke is a life-threatening condition, and I ask the minister to outline to the house what are the symptoms of a stroke?”
Snelling’s revelatory response – “I’m not a clinician” – may not have been quite the bombshell the question was intended to elicit, but never fear: apparently “the paramedics who work in our ambulance service are more than capable of diagnosing a stroke”.
Not to be deterred, the Leader pressed the minister on his own diagnostic capabilities: “Does the minister know what the symptoms of a life-threatening stroke are?”
This prompted a brief overview of the limits of ministerial responsibility in the Westminster system.
It turns out that the Health Minister is not actually “in the ambulances diagnosing strokes”.
“That is not a job the Health Minister has,” Snelling helpfully explained.
Indeed, “I’m barely qualified to cut my own toenails as far as health care is concerned”.
“I have occasionally applied a band-aid to one of the children, but fortunately it’s not up to the Health Minister in this state to diagnose strokes.”
But anyone worrying at the unlikely prospect they may one day find themselves in a potential near-stroke situation whilst in close proximity to the Health Minister can rest assured that “we employ 30,000 people to work in our health system”, many of whom are qualified medical professionals.
(At this point Atko jumped in to call the members for Schubert, Hammond, Elder and the Minister for Agriculture to order, and warn Marshall, his deputy Vickie Chapman, his predecessor Isobel Redmond and the member for Hartley for the first time.)
Marshall’s imagination then reached new heights of vividness: “If a person is sitting at home and they are suspecting that they are having a life-threatening stroke, let’s just say at 9 o’clock on a weeknight, which hospital should they present at?”
Turned out to be a trick question. “They should call an ambulance, call Triple-0,” replied a somewhat bemused Snelling.
But the Libs pushed on for free medical advice.
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“How many symptoms are common between, for example, a stroke and other conditions which may exist?” quizzed Marshall (with Atko cutting in to call the member for Adelaide to order and warn her a first time for persistent interjection, to warn the member for Hammond for a first time and the member for Heysen for a second and final time).
The upshot of it all is, if you think you’re having a stroke, call an ambulance.
“That is what you should do because a stroke, of course, is a very, very dangerous thing. I am amazed that the Leader of the Opposition should think otherwise,” mused the Minister (as Atko called to order the members for Taylor and Mitchell).
It was here that the Opposition’s tangled web descended on the unfortunate minister, with the logical clarity of perfect syllogism.
“Given that one of the principal symptoms of a stroke is dizziness, is the minister suggesting to the house and to the people of South Australia that anybody in SA going forward experiencing dizziness should present themselves at the Royal Adelaide Hospital Emergency Department?”
Well, no, I don’t think he was.
And moreover, “anyone who thinks they might be having a stroke should not be driving themselves to hospital”.
“That would be the most foolish thing someone could do,” lectured Snelling, displaying that wealth of medical expertise he heretofore claimed not to have.
(At this point, Atko warned the leader and deputy leader for the second and the final time.)
Far from chastened, Marshall persevered: “So, for clarity, the minister’s advice to this house is that patients at home experiencing dizziness should immediately call an ambulance?”
Prompting the weary medically-disinclined minister to bemoan that “the Leader of the Opposition is just being silly”.
Which was a fair summation of Question Time.
Atko later tweeted that the Libs managed 40 questions over the course of the hour – “an Opposition paradise”, apparently, though it’s possible they traded quantity for quality.
Liberal Police spokesman John Gardner, for instance, spruiked his reputation as an after-dinner speaker by attempting to show off a Python-esque comedic bent during questions about recruitment targets.
Indeed, so chuffed was he with his own efforts, he quickly put out a self-congratulatory missive:
“The Weatherill Labor Government’s refusal to admit that it will not meet its ‘Recruit 300’ election promise was ridiculed today in Parliament, with comparisons made to Monty Python’s sketch in which the shopkeeper maintains that the dead parrot is alive despite all evidence to the contrary.”
Thus establishing that Gardner’s penchant for comedy is akin to Snelling’s for medicine.
As for administering the health system itself, “it’s not rocket science”, apparently. The advisors advise, the ministers decide and the health professionals heal the sick. Where possible.
And all the while, the Enfield Primary and Christian Brothers College students crammed into the public gallery sniggered amongst themselves at the unfolding spectacle below. Which, one suspects, was the appropriate response.
